Friday, May 3, 2013

Avs win draft lottery!

The most exciting thing to happen to the Avalanche since Peter McNabb was called "Penis" on live TV has happened! Yes, the Colorado Avalanche—who came in as only the second-most-likely team to win the 2013 NHL Entry Draft Lottery—have won the 2013 NHL Entry Draft Lottery!!! This has to be the greatest bit of dumb luck to fall into the laps of long-suffering Colorado hockey fans in the history of the state! (I'm sorry, what did you say, Quebec? It was hard to hear you with all this shouting... did you hear the good news?!?)

With most scouts and prospect resources listing Seth Jones as the top prospect, and with most fans, coaches, commentators, and even little old ladies we questioned on the street listing the Avalanche defense as "shittier than crap," it seems a virtual certainty that the Avalanche will use the pick to select the promising 18-year-old defenseman. And what a great pick he will be: size, speed, good sense on the ice, great puck movement, great shot... everything you'd want out of a defenseman picked #1 overall. With talent like this, there's no way he will disappoint! (What's that, Erik Johnson? Sorry, can't quite make out what you're saying with all this noise. Didn't you hear? The Avs finally have a talented young defenseman!!!)

With this sudden windfall, Avs fans everywhere are clamoring to know just one thing: How would Seth Jones look in an Avalanche Sweater? Like this:

There you have it. But of course, among the hundreds of other questions you must have about prospective likely Avalanche #1 pick Seth Jones, I'm sure many of you are wondering: How would it look if the Avalanche manage to clone Seth Jones, and then put he and his clone together as a defensive pair? Like this:

(Note: Original Seth Jones pictured at left)
That should give you goosebumps, Avs fans! Naturally, your next question will be: What if the team were to clone likely future #1 Avs pick Seth Jones, convert both he and his clone to forward, and put them both on a line with the legendary Maurice "Rocket" Richard, also cloned (using traces of his saliva found on the Stanley Cup) and then signed by the Avalanche? Like this:

Pictured: Seth Jones (l), Maurice Richard (c), Seth Jones II (r)

Next up: How would it look if probably likely #1 overall Avalanche draft pick Seth Jones is the victim of a transporter malfunction which sends him to a mirror universe, while simultaneously bringing his mirror self to our universe, where he will probably likely still be under contract to the Colorado Avalanche? Like this:

As a definitely possible Avalanche #1 draft pick, Seth Jones will have multiple endorsement opportunities available. How would Seth Jones look endorsing miniature bottles of hand lotion? Like this:

That skin looks supple, doesn't it folks? With entirely plausibly #1 overall pick Seth Jones getting his face out there, he will be in high demand in Hollywood. How would it look if he were cast as legendarily smooth gambler and swindler Lando Calrissian in the upcoming Star Wars films, and posed for a publicity photo with the robot actor created by Lucasfilm to replicate the young Harrison Ford? Like this:

Now I really can't wait to see that movie! The obvious next question is: How would it look if Seth Jones and his writer friend were to descend on Las Vegas in a red convertible filled with almost every kind of drug known to civilized man, with the goal of documenting America's sad, excessive, and often violently self-destructive attempts to escape the harshness of life in the morally barren national landscape left among the twisted remnants of 60s drug counterculture? Like this:

And finally, how will definitely possible maybe #1 overall pick Seth Jones look if the Avalanche rush him into the league before he is ready, he fails to win the Norris trophy in his first two years, gets labeled a "bust" by fans and media alike, and Avalanche management decides to undertake another rebuilding process? Like this:

Yes, this is an exciting time of year to be an Avalanche fan! Too bad you fans of every other team in the league don't have this sort of excitement surrounding your teams in early May! (Sorry, it's kind of loud back there... what's that you were saying Pens fans, Caps fans, Wings fans, Hawks fans, Kings fans, Leafs fans, Sens fans...???)

Thanks for reading,
Dr. B

1 comment:

  1. This all seems very plausible, even likely . . . except for the part where Colorado drafts Seth Jones.

    After all, once they've traded Stastny and O'Reilly, and let Duchene, Mitchell, and Hishon hit the free-agent market, they're going to need to shore up their numbers at center. That's assuming, of course, that the clone of Maurice Richard prefers to say at right wing, can beat out David Jones for a roster spot, and doesn't get into Coach Roy's doghouse.